Dec 08, 09

See my twisted smile? I think thats because I don't really feel like smiling. today is a day where I just need to vent. My punk ass brothers!!! Soooo 1st off I'm living with my family until my husband comes home from deployment. I've lived alone b4, while very peaceful not for me. I wake up this afternoon ( i'm currently part of the unemployment club ) and made a list of things I needed to do today. Most requiring me to be out of the House. I get all bundled up because it has been snowing the past 3 days and the temp is hella low. I decide to go get some food 1st because there havent been groceries in this house in like 3 and half weeks. SO I'm all ready go outside brush the snow off of the car. Get in the car turn the key....turn the key....TURNING THE DAMN KEY!!! and that bitch wont start! UGGGGhhhhh. SO now I'm grounded freezing and starving. I'm Like ok well I'll just order a pizza. I order my food, takes forever to get there. When it arrives they forget half of my order. Call the folks and the cant give me my money back. The can credit my account or have someone re deliver it. I ask them to re deliver right, then my mom comes home and asks me to run to the store with her. I do and tell my brothers to get my food for me. I go, come home and these lil bastards ate half of my shit! I'm so pissed like...I normally share. But they just ate it without asking. And it came out of my pocket. They are so inconsiderate. I feel like returning their Christmas gifts seriously.
Get on my damn nerves

I can't sleep. My husband normally emails me in the wee hours of the night or morning rather. Like 2 3 4 am. When he does email me I stay up and yet and carry

On a conversation with him. So now I have turned into a bat officially. And what sucks is sometimes its only a 10min conversation or I don't hear from him @ all

NOV 22nd 2009

So with part of my new journaling I've decided to upload a picture, raw and unedited every time I write. Just to look back and show myself where i was in that moment,whether I'm looking a hot mess or my normal fine self lol.


I think I'll Just start from today. I'm 22, lost my job recently, not back in school yet, I've been married for 5months, and my Brand New Husband has been deployed for bout 4 of those months.

I have always lived for love. Hard. Nothing else has ever matter. I was abused in many ways threw out my adolescence. So I've had tunnel vision dead set on finding love for a long time. Outsiders might find that foolish. But for a child that has been abused...it can become a top priority. Education, goals, living and planning for tomorrow..all got put on the back burner. Love was all i cared about. Unfortunately, predators seek out the weak very easily. Running fast into and over and around what i thought was love only made me easy prey and lead to more abuse.
Whats funny to me now is that I could not have figured all of these things until it was past the time i needed this knowledge.
While I was looking for love in all the wrong places ' sooo cliche' I made friends with a man that I dated for a few months back when we were to young to actually date. We became best friends. Cared for each other until we loved each other. When I told him about parts of my life I didn't even want to admit to God he loved me still, if not more. Then I really learned to trust him, and when trust was there we fell in love. Now I thought I had fallen in love many times before this...but it was not like anything I had ever felt before. It was then we both knew, that "this" was it. What we had both been looking for that we never dreamed we would find. The actual person that God made especially you. To be in love with your best friend lol...its like nothing that can be put into words. The funniest part to me, was when we started dating we could not even have any of those new relationship jitters and awkward moments because we knew everything there is to know about each other. Even though we surpassed all of those getting to know each other obstacles the brand new love butterflies were still there. We dated and married and those jeweled wings are still flapping away in the pit of my stomach....

think that does it for now lol. I have alot of thoughts...think i'll be back soon

Baby Steps

...Where to start lol. I have been journaling i learned how letters formed words. It just came so naturally to me. I think it has been my healthiest outlet. A few years ago I was in an abusive manipulative relationship. When i was with Mario I was constantly fighting to keep my since of self. When i thought our relationship could not get any worse, he read my journal without my permission. Lol I know some people might laugh and say was that all? But for me, a person as private as I have been, that was a major violation and the beginning of the end of our relationship. I used to write everyday, now i don't trust it. It no longer feels as pure. I moved on from that relationship, healed completely, married my WONDERFUL husband Michael whom has single handedly restored my faith in love and life. But for some reason I still have trouble picking up a pen. Soooo I figured I would try this blogging thing that everyone else is into =), instead of being private as I have always been, I'm going to embrace my new self and be uncensored and completely open. SO if your offened lol i can't really apologize for that. Here we go...