Thankful

My husband is out of town doing the Navy's bidding. He just called me hysterical because he was seconds away from a fatal car crash...He could hardly speak. He just kept repeating himself, telling me he loved me so much. When we got off the phone i blinked about three times before I realized. Seconds away...seconds away. Our son is four months old. He is my best friend. My one great love. He was seconds away a fatal car crash. He spoke to the driver from the car in front of him and he said the man who died was his friend...He was following him and that he had a 2year old daughter. I had to fall to my knees and not only thank God that he protected my husband but also pray that God be with the family that just lost their loved one. I prayed so hard for my husbands protection i felt my breath becoming solid in my chest. Michael is in the military...I know there are dangers and then you have everyday dangers. Careless drivers. There are dangers, but there is also prayer..

learning one day at a time..

I haven't been writing at all for months. It is a major part of my identity. I use my new marriage as an excuse...and there have been mild moments of depression but like most words that come out of my mouth now days those are just excuses. The problem here is actually discipline I don't know when this started really. Probably when I realized how many mistakes i made to screw myself over. There have been others that were major contributors in down fall of my life lol but ultimately I am at fault for allowing that to happen. I have to stop it. I have to learn how to take care of my soul. I know the basics of taking of myself as a functioning person in society but I haven't yet learned how to take care of my soul. writing is my therapy. I have never really know how to ask for help because it was not often offered. Now I have an amazing God given love..and I have done and said plenty of things to hurt this love just because I don't know how to receive it. Need to get back to my therapy =) that all I needed, that, And thanking God for all that he has given me including my husband. On that note...I think just releasing this will help.

Dec 08, 09

See my twisted smile? I think thats because I don't really feel like smiling. today is a day where I just need to vent. My punk ass brothers!!! Soooo 1st off I'm living with my family until my husband comes home from deployment. I've lived alone b4, while very peaceful not for me. I wake up this afternoon ( i'm currently part of the unemployment club ) and made a list of things I needed to do today. Most requiring me to be out of the House. I get all bundled up because it has been snowing the past 3 days and the temp is hella low. I decide to go get some food 1st because there havent been groceries in this house in like 3 and half weeks. SO I'm all ready go outside brush the snow off of the car. Get in the car turn the key....turn the key....TURNING THE DAMN KEY!!! and that bitch wont start! UGGGGhhhhh. SO now I'm grounded freezing and starving. I'm Like ok well I'll just order a pizza. I order my food, takes forever to get there. When it arrives they forget half of my order. Call the folks and the cant give me my money back. The can credit my account or have someone re deliver it. I ask them to re deliver right, then my mom comes home and asks me to run to the store with her. I do and tell my brothers to get my food for me. I go, come home and these lil bastards ate half of my shit! I'm so pissed like...I normally share. But they just ate it without asking. And it came out of my pocket. They are so inconsiderate. I feel like returning their Christmas gifts seriously.
Get on my damn nerves

I can't sleep. My husband normally emails me in the wee hours of the night or morning rather. Like 2 3 4 am. When he does email me I stay up and yet and carry

On a conversation with him. So now I have turned into a bat officially. And what sucks is sometimes its only a 10min conversation or I don't hear from him @ all

NOV 22nd 2009

So with part of my new journaling I've decided to upload a picture, raw and unedited every time I write. Just to look back and show myself where i was in that moment,whether I'm looking a hot mess or my normal fine self lol.


I think I'll Just start from today. I'm 22, lost my job recently, not back in school yet, I've been married for 5months, and my Brand New Husband has been deployed for bout 4 of those months.

I have always lived for love. Hard. Nothing else has ever matter. I was abused in many ways threw out my adolescence. So I've had tunnel vision dead set on finding love for a long time. Outsiders might find that foolish. But for a child that has been abused...it can become a top priority. Education, goals, living and planning for tomorrow..all got put on the back burner. Love was all i cared about. Unfortunately, predators seek out the weak very easily. Running fast into and over and around what i thought was love only made me easy prey and lead to more abuse.
Whats funny to me now is that I could not have figured all of these things until it was past the time i needed this knowledge.
While I was looking for love in all the wrong places ' sooo cliche' I made friends with a man that I dated for a few months back when we were to young to actually date. We became best friends. Cared for each other until we loved each other. When I told him about parts of my life I didn't even want to admit to God he loved me still, if not more. Then I really learned to trust him, and when trust was there we fell in love. Now I thought I had fallen in love many times before this...but it was not like anything I had ever felt before. It was then we both knew, that "this" was it. What we had both been looking for that we never dreamed we would find. The actual person that God made especially you. To be in love with your best friend lol...its like nothing that can be put into words. The funniest part to me, was when we started dating we could not even have any of those new relationship jitters and awkward moments because we knew everything there is to know about each other. Even though we surpassed all of those getting to know each other obstacles the brand new love butterflies were still there. We dated and married and those jeweled wings are still flapping away in the pit of my stomach....

think that does it for now lol. I have alot of thoughts...think i'll be back soon

Baby Steps

...Where to start lol. I have been journaling i learned how letters formed words. It just came so naturally to me. I think it has been my healthiest outlet. A few years ago I was in an abusive manipulative relationship. When i was with Mario I was constantly fighting to keep my since of self. When i thought our relationship could not get any worse, he read my journal without my permission. Lol I know some people might laugh and say was that all? But for me, a person as private as I have been, that was a major violation and the beginning of the end of our relationship. I used to write everyday, now i don't trust it. It no longer feels as pure. I moved on from that relationship, healed completely, married my WONDERFUL husband Michael whom has single handedly restored my faith in love and life. But for some reason I still have trouble picking up a pen. Soooo I figured I would try this blogging thing that everyone else is into =), instead of being private as I have always been, I'm going to embrace my new self and be uncensored and completely open. SO if your offened lol i can't really apologize for that. Here we go...