NOV 22nd 2009

So with part of my new journaling I've decided to upload a picture, raw and unedited every time I write. Just to look back and show myself where i was in that moment,whether I'm looking a hot mess or my normal fine self lol.


I think I'll Just start from today. I'm 22, lost my job recently, not back in school yet, I've been married for 5months, and my Brand New Husband has been deployed for bout 4 of those months.

I have always lived for love. Hard. Nothing else has ever matter. I was abused in many ways threw out my adolescence. So I've had tunnel vision dead set on finding love for a long time. Outsiders might find that foolish. But for a child that has been abused...it can become a top priority. Education, goals, living and planning for tomorrow..all got put on the back burner. Love was all i cared about. Unfortunately, predators seek out the weak very easily. Running fast into and over and around what i thought was love only made me easy prey and lead to more abuse.
Whats funny to me now is that I could not have figured all of these things until it was past the time i needed this knowledge.
While I was looking for love in all the wrong places ' sooo cliche' I made friends with a man that I dated for a few months back when we were to young to actually date. We became best friends. Cared for each other until we loved each other. When I told him about parts of my life I didn't even want to admit to God he loved me still, if not more. Then I really learned to trust him, and when trust was there we fell in love. Now I thought I had fallen in love many times before this...but it was not like anything I had ever felt before. It was then we both knew, that "this" was it. What we had both been looking for that we never dreamed we would find. The actual person that God made especially you. To be in love with your best friend lol...its like nothing that can be put into words. The funniest part to me, was when we started dating we could not even have any of those new relationship jitters and awkward moments because we knew everything there is to know about each other. Even though we surpassed all of those getting to know each other obstacles the brand new love butterflies were still there. We dated and married and those jeweled wings are still flapping away in the pit of my stomach....

think that does it for now lol. I have alot of thoughts...think i'll be back soon

Baby Steps

...Where to start lol. I have been journaling i learned how letters formed words. It just came so naturally to me. I think it has been my healthiest outlet. A few years ago I was in an abusive manipulative relationship. When i was with Mario I was constantly fighting to keep my since of self. When i thought our relationship could not get any worse, he read my journal without my permission. Lol I know some people might laugh and say was that all? But for me, a person as private as I have been, that was a major violation and the beginning of the end of our relationship. I used to write everyday, now i don't trust it. It no longer feels as pure. I moved on from that relationship, healed completely, married my WONDERFUL husband Michael whom has single handedly restored my faith in love and life. But for some reason I still have trouble picking up a pen. Soooo I figured I would try this blogging thing that everyone else is into =), instead of being private as I have always been, I'm going to embrace my new self and be uncensored and completely open. SO if your offened lol i can't really apologize for that. Here we go...